Change is the only constant in life.
When I hear this quote, I immediately think of my clients who are twenty-somethings and whose only true constant is instability. I think most people can agree that being in your twenties is not an easy dance. Although many people follow different paths, the majority are transitioning to living on their own, experiencing what it’s like to work full time, navigating new places, new friendships, and new relationships. The moment one thing feels stable, other things fall through the cracks. You find a great apartment, but three months later you realize you and your roommate are not compatible.
You land a great job, but suddenly your boyfriend breaks up with you. You meet someone new, and things are feeling promising between you, and then you get laid off. Suffice to say, instability is the name of the game. Of course, change can (and will) happen at any time in your life, but there’s something to be said about the stability that comes with being older, having more stable relationships, income, and a sense of who you are in the world.
I’ve noticed this last part comes up a lot in my therapy sessions. This overwhelming sense of Who am I? While working with folks in their twenties who struggle with disordered eating, I’ve noticed that the theme of identity often comes up in my office. I believe that figuring out one’s identity is a big part of being in your twenties.
I moved to New York for school; do I move back home, or am I meant to be on the East Coast? I just finished my first year of law school, and I worked so hard to get here, but I’m not sure if I liked it. What now? When you add an eating disorder into the mix, things get even more complicated. In college, I was the thin, pretty girl- who am I if I give that up? All my life I’ve been a perfectionist. Perfect student, perfect daughter, perfect athlete, perfect body. If I stop being perfect, won’t everything fall apart?
One thing I support my clients with is grieving their eating disorder identity and making space for whoever they will become once they’re free from ED. Of course, this is a really scary process. I see the fear that comes with letting go of something that is so familiar to turn toward the unknown in a time of your life that is already extraordinarily unstable. How could one possibly make this crazy leap of faith?
While I don’t have all the answers, one thing I do work on with clients is developing a strong sense of trust, self-compassion, and acceptance. I support my clients in trusting that they will, in fact, be okay. We build the tools that they can lean on when things do get hard. A strong support system. Relationships they can trust and know are unconditional. A variety of coping skills and communities that revolve around hobbies and passions. A safe space in the therapy room. We also work on self-compassion. Moving away from shame and understanding that being imperfect is part of this dance that we call life. If you can be nice to yourself when things get hard, if you can be the friend that you need in that moment, you can get through anything.
And finally, we work on acceptance. Accepting that change is inevitable. Change will happen. Change is a constant. So yes, it is scary to shed your eating disorder in the time of your life when things are already chaotic and unpredictable. It’s scary to turn toward the unknown when nothing else is feeling fully stable. But I would argue that the alternative may be even scarier. Perhaps this is the best time to lean into change. To join the dance.
