The relationship you cultivate with your therapist is an important one. Some may find their therapists too distant, too judgmental, or just simply not helpful enough. So if you’re having doubts about your current therapist, it’s OK to explore other options. In this piece we dive into the types of challenges people tend to experience with their therapists, as well as how to find a new therapist.
Signs it’s not working
Here are some signs that your therapist might not be the best fit.
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You don’t feel connected.
What does connection feel like? Trust, openness, and curiosity are qualities you should be looking for here. Do you find it easy to relax and explore with this person? Do you feel comfortable in moments of silence? For people pleasers, be sure to reflect on whether the connection is truly relaxed.
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You don’t want to attend sessions.
Everyone has an off day, but if you are finding that you are not looking forward to your therapy sessions on a consistent basis, that may be a sign that you are not growing and making progress in this therapeutic relationship. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you need a new therapist—you can also ask your therapist to discuss you
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You feel judged or misunderstood. While it can be helpful for your therapist to highlight maladaptive behaviors and patterns, you should not feel that your therapist is shaming you. If you come from a certain cultural background or are dealing with a specific issue, such as an eating disorder or gender dysphoria, make sure that your therapist makes you feel seen and understood through that lens, if that is important to you. If not, you might consider finding someone who specializes in that issue or has experience working with clients from your culture.
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Lack of progress.
Even if you get along well with your therapist, you may feel that you aren’t making progress on your therapeutic goals. Sometimes this happens when your therapist becomes too much like a friend—friends don’t usually push boundaries, they work to maintain the good feelings of the friendship.
Keep in mind that therapy is not a linear journey, however. It can be difficult to see your own progress or stagnation. Reflecting on it regularly over a period of time gives a more clear picture, to avoid an overly negative or positive view of the situation based on your mood on any one given day. If you come to the conclusion that you aren’t making progress on your goals, feel free to speak up with your current therapist or seek out a new one.
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They give too much advice.
Therapists are there to help you reflect on your life and challenges, empowering you to find your own innate wisdom in the process. A therapist that offers advice too often is disempowering their client.
You don’t need a clear-cut reason to seek out a new therapist. Maybe it’s just a vague gut feeling. Give yourself the freedom to explore other options.
Identify what you need help with
Defining your therapeutic goals and expectations can bring clarity to this reflection process. Why are you in therapy? Have your intentions changed since you first started with your current therapist? Taking an inventory of how you’re feeling and what you need right now will give you a good foundation to begin evaluating your current therapist and potentially finding a new one.
When thinking about your goals, it might be helpful to think in terms of easing symptoms and cultivating skills. Areas you may want help with could include your emotional wellbeing, your relationships with others, or behaviors you’d like to change in yourself. For example, you may feel like you have high anxiety, especially in social situations. So the symptom you want to ease is anxiety, and the skill you’d like to cultivate is being social.
Getting specific is a good way to ensure that you will actually make progress. “I want to feel less anxious in social situations” is a great starting place, but it is vague, and over time, a vague goal can be hard to make progress on. So it can be useful to incorporate clear-cut, achievable daily habits into your life that move you toward those goals. This is something you can work on with your therapist. If you don’t have clear action items right now, that’s okay.
Once you feel solid in your understanding of why you are in therapy and what you hope to get out of it, you’re ready to look for a new therapist.
Finding a new therapist
Give yourself time to find someone new. Committing to the first therapist you see at the top of a list of in-network clinicians may land you in the same position you find yourself in now—working with someone who isn’t quite right. You want an individual who is a good fit. Here are some steps you can take to come up with a list of candidates.
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Think about the type of person you feel comfortable around, and “vibe” with.
Keeping this top of mind will help guide you toward the right therapist as you explore possibilities.
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Research different therapy modalities.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), internal family systems, and dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) are just a few of the approaches. CBT, for example, is all about breaking cycles, which is why it works well for treating eating disorders, which have a strong cyclical pattern of binging and restricting.
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Will you be working with insurance, or will you pay out-of-pocket?
This will tell you whether you need to limit your search to in-network providers.
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Research therapists.
Your insurance company may be able to give you a list of in-network providers in your area. Psychogy Today is also a helpful resource for finding clinicians, and you can filter results to include only those that take your insurance. If you’re comfortable, you can also ask friends or family for recommendations for therapists.
Consider these ideas and come up with a list of possible new therapist candidates. Check out websites, photos, personal statements, education and experience, insurance coverage, and cost. Once you have a list of candidates, you’re ready to move on to initial consultation calls.
Schedule consult calls
Most therapists offer a free consultation phone call. This is something you should absolutely take advantage of as you explore your list of candidates. Here are some things to keep in mind as you have these consult calls.
- Prepare specific questions about their approach.
- Discuss your treatment goals and expected timeline.
- Ask about their experience working with clients like you.
- Note their communication style and responsiveness.
- At the end of the call, take your own emotional temperature. After speaking to them for a few minutes, how does this person leave you feeling?
Once you get through consult calls with your list of candidates and decide on someone you like, give yourself several sessions with that new therapist to see how it goes.
Ending Therapy Professionally
Therapists do this professionally, so remind yourself that they are used to people starting and ending therapeutic relationships with them. Changing your therapist is nothing to feel uneasy or guilty about. This decision is about you following your gut and your heart.
Once you make the decision to end your relationship with your current therapist, tell them as soon as possible. You are under no obligation to provide a reason, but it can be a kind and respectful thing to include. Something like “I wanted to let you know that I have decided to end our therapy sessions. I really appreciate the time and support you’ve provided, but I feel like I am not making the progress I would like to, at this point.”
Some other reasons you might provide:
- I want to try out a therapist with a different therapeutic approach
- I feel our communication styles aren’t a great match
- I’d like to take a break from therapy for the time being
Your current therapist may then suggest a final transition session to provide closure and reinforce tools and insights gained during your time in therapy. In this final session, you may go over the progress you’ve made and discuss feelings about ending the therapeutic relationship.
You have a right to request your mental health record from your current therapist. It may be helpful for your new therapist to look over progress notes from your previous therapists.
Tips for Future Success
As you move forward with your new therapist, consider how you might do things differently this time around. Do you wish you had found a new therapist sooner? Maybe you can resolve to spend a few minutes after each therapy session documenting your thoughts and feelings.
Did your last therapist push your boundaries too much? This time, be clear about your needs up front. If you are pushed too far out of your comfort zone, let them know. For some setting boundaries can be yet another uncomfortable thing, but in a new relationship it’s best to verbalize your discomfort before unhelpful patterns get established.
Conclusion
Ultimately, therapy is a collaborative process. The more care and effort you put into the relationship, the more you will get out of it. Remind yourself that no therapist is going to be a perfect fit. But if your gut is telling you something is off, listen to it.
Making a big change can be intimidating, but it may help to reframe it as an opportunity to step into a new era.
